A window inside life at Augustana College

Augustana People: Mark “Didn’t Gary write about his sister Jenna? Oh, That’s Not His Sister? It’s Spelled Differently? Well Then Whatever!” Hoffmann


Quick quiz for everyone.

Try and see who is smarter in each photo. (Answers below)







1. Tony Stark is a super genius, however, he is a fictional character. First appearing in Tales of Suspense #39. By choosing Tony Stark your skills at determining the “smarterer” one have been called into question. The right answer should have been “It’s Mark Hoffmann”, who also has a robot suit made out of recycled aluminum cans. The technology and logistics surrounding said robot suit far surpass the comprehension of our human brains.

2. I don’t know who that lady is but I’m pretty sure Mark is smarter.

3. What is intelligence? Is the super computer intelligent because of all the information it holds, does it surpass our own capacity for knowledge? I don’t know much about that. But what I do know is that sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks. Green rocks are super hard to find. Kevin Spacey knows this very well.

Well, the answer is Mark Hoffmann.

4. Children are stupid. Ask how many of them still believe that the tooth fairy doesn’t come into their room and pee on their bed. The tooth fairy still comes into my room and pees on my bed. The tooth fair is also Dwayne Johnson. That man on the right is a genius. I believe is name is Billy Brainiac, inventor of the portable blanket warmer. That child on the left is a smarter, younger, more economically efficient Gary Miller. With zero down payments you can have him.

Also, the answer is Mark Hoffmann.

The point of that exercise is to show that Mark is supremely smart and also humble about it. He tells me how humble he is about his genius level intellect while telepathically planting memories of me losing the little league championship in Japan every weekend. I know that if I had just caught that last out my parents would still be around. Instead they renounced my lineage and I had to grow up in the streets of Japan until I opened the hit sandwich shop, “Sam O Rye Guy”. I think that’s all true. I’m kind of bleeding out of my ears and nose due to all the fake implanted memories.

Reality is a lie and were all living in a figment of Mark Hoffmann’s mind.st_elsewhere-show

Get to know Mark Hoffmann!

Waiting to fight the ocean

Waiting to fight the ocean

1. What made you want to come to Augie?
 “I love the way the great fields of corn sway in the wind.  I gave up the big city life of lights and fancy cars to watch the barren flatlands in the nice city of Rock Island.”
2. What do you study?
  “I’m majoring in physics and pre-medicine and minoring in underwater basket weaving.”
3. What are you involved in at Augustana?
 ” I am part of phi omega phi, club soccer, and am the president of Augustana’s own Brittany Spears fan club”
4. Would you rather turn me into Robo Cop or Wolverine?
 “Wolverine hands down”
5. What’s the scariest thing about the dark?
  “I don’t like the fact that the dark doesn’t have light.  It sort of really sucks”
6. What did you want to be when you grew up?
 “For the longest time I wanted to be Chuck Norris, until I realized I would be too awesome to be hired anywhere.”
7. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve done for your girlfriend?
  “I put on some christmas carols and dressed up like Will Farrell from Elf.  Lets just say the rest is self explanatory.”

8. Any advice for younger kids at Augustana?
 “Yes, no matter how cute you find the wildlife around here, do not try and domesticate the raccoons.”
9. What has been your favorite thing about Augie?
” My favorite thing is the fact that I can wake up every morning and see Gary Miller’s stunning face walking around campus.  That tattoo . . . 😉 yum!!”
10. Are we human or are we dancer?
 “I am not sure about others, but as far as I can say for myself dancer all the way”


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