A window inside life at Augustana College

Tommy Enke, American Icon

I taped an apple to my ceiling today and waited for hours to see if it would fall on my head and give me a brilliant idea. I stared idly at my wall hoping to learn the secrets of the universe like a Pre-kindergarten level Isaac Newton. After nothing happened I decided to pace around my room for a little saying Spanish Armada in as many voices as I could think of. I noticed on the counter that my roommate Tommy Enke, who I affectionately call “super baby genius”, won a few science awards.

Here is Tommy watching science (Pronounced SKY-ENTS)

Here is Tommy watching science (Pronounced SKY-ENTS)

Now I don’t know much about science. The only things I know are what the Frizz showed me on the Magic Schoolbus and anything my TV uncle Bill Nye said. That being said, I have a few things I would love for Tommy to do with his science skills or witchcraft. They’re indivisible.

I would love for Tommy to invent the following things:

Bacon that doesn’t make anyone fat but still tastes delicious. If possible make it easy to call on my phone too in case I lose a slice.


Books that are as enthusiastic about being read as I am about reading them. If I turned the page and Richard Simmons’ voice said “You can do it!” each time, my professors couldn’t give me enough books. More importantly make it so I can choose someone to read it to me while I lay down. It would be awesome if Tomcat could invent holograms like that. Picture this for instance, I’m in bed while Sylvester Stallone is reading me Moby Dick or I’m trying to lift and Ronald Reagan is reading Miami Vice:The Novel.

Invent a way for guys like me to have finesse. Bulls that live in China closets are more graceful than me. When I dance it’s a constant question of whether that kid really hates the floor he’s dancing on and believes there is an imaginary fire OR he’s a human puppet and Geppetto has the shakes. Also, I apologize to all my football coaches and coach Eric Juergens as well for running like Forrest Gump. Not the fast version at the end, but the one with magic shoes in the beginning.  I don’t know how Tommy from Omaha would accomplish this but judging by how clean our room is anything is possible.

I think Chimpanzees that are hairless, only wear Jimmy Carson masks, and can only say the days of the week would be pretty cool to have around. That’s on my Santa Claus Science list too Tommy.

If there is a possibility of genetically engineering a 3 month old daughter in the future with: the brawn of Brett Mcwilliams, the poetic wit of TJ Milano, the beard of John Pape, the costume design skills of Sally Kenney, the love of happy meals that Sarah Deicke has, and also the ability to fly over countries ending with “Ussia” that Jenna Hofmann has. Well, that would be just peachy.

Use chemistry skills to make an easy bake oven that makes hot pockets that taste like the ones Great Grandma Alice never used to make. I’m sure she would’ve put rhubarb in them or something cool like trick birthday candles.

She's my homegirl forever.

She’s my homegirl forever.

I would endorse that in the year 2026 at 3:47 P.M. on September 3rdeth we build a time machine to tell our future selves how ugly they look while we steal candy from our grandkids. Then lets go to the past and wonder how we got awesome girls to talk to us in the first place, also make sure to invest heavily in whatever gets super big in the future.


Finally keep being awesome, I think it’s fantabulous that your hardwork got recognized. I’ve seen you work on homework into the morning while I was up telling ghost stories to myself in the mirror. You go girl.

Leave a Reply