A window inside life at Augustana College

How To Get a Girl To Like You* In Really Confusing, Convoluted Steps

So I was asked recently by one of my friends, “Gary, can I call you Gary?”

I replied, “I prefer Thomas the Enke Engine or Colby JackCheese”

So my friend squeaks, “Ok, man how you gon’ get a girl to go to a formal with you?”

With great knowledge and wisdom I replied to that man with a great ire in my voice, “It’s simple, we kill the bat”.

Many of you are probably preparing for a Prom, Formal, or Daytime Soap Opera marathon that would be made more enjoyable with the company of a significant other.

Truthfully I have no idea how much clarity comes with  99% of the things that come out of my mouth but, I’m going to make you ( the reader, not the Texas Ranger’s pitcher) believe I know what I’m talking about. The first . . . and only thing I know about girls is that they exist on the same planet as me. I can make words at them sometimes. At Augustana there are many gorgeous girls, none of the ones I know here work at Wendy’s so I don’t talk to them. If anyone know that smoking hot red head Wendy girl who makes the square burgers, awesome fries, and the delectable frosties, tell her to call me on my work phone.

Enough about my love life.

Here’s how I am going to be like your Hitch.

First of all: Be Ryan Gosling. Figure it out or I’ll pour Nickelodeon slime on you, jabroni.


Second, do something romantic. Like poetry and putting a boombox over your head to play her favorite song! If the first thought that bumped into your head was kidnapping her, you might be a red neck. I love Dane Cook’s catch phrases. But don’t do that. Anyways, don’t do anything drastic like tattoo her name into your skin either, unless her name is Helga. By romantic I mean flowers and those things the Germans make. Chocolates. That’s it. I could have sworn it was  a plethora of Volkswagen, but it’s chocolates. If you see this girl present them these chocolates in a true Viking manner. Rip whatever shirt you are wearing off, don’t worry about how you will look. The technology of this maneuver that I invented says that upon removal your abs will look like Gerard Butler after a day of slip-n-sliding on bacon grease. Picture that ladies. After you do this she will be more open to accept your invitation. It’ll be like giving candy to a knifebaby.

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I did it Star Child and it worked for me! Just Ask my date (Insert Name Here) She totally loved it!

What not to do:

1. Tell her she has a clue on her and then paint a blue paw print on her face. Tried that once and I got a restraining order. Thanks Mom, guess I won’t be coming home for Half-Christmas.


2. Show her your sweet magic tricks or dance moves, to me they are one and the same. You will literally blow her mind and she won’t be able to further her education at this school. Don’t be selfish. Do the Harlem Cake.


3. Lift weights in front of her. She will make you look weak when she grows a beard and shaves it off in a matter of seconds just to show you she’s not one to be trifled with.


4. Don’t look like Gary Miller, don’t act like Gary Miller, Don’t do anything like Gary Miller. Unless it’s everything else I told you. If that’s confusing to you, maybe it’s because I’m still trying to figure out the ending to the last season of The Wiggles. Will Jeff ever wake up? Will Veronica Mars call me?


5. Recycle. Or do recycle I don’t care. (Reverse Psychologogogyzoologicallity).


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*Disclaimer: I’m not responsible for any advice I just gave,


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