A window inside life at Augustana College

I watched a Life Alert advertisement and it has nothing to do with this

I want to talk about something very near and dear to my heart. Well, whatever “heart” there is or emotions that I have. I read in Stalin Weekly that suppressing emotions is entirely normal and healthy.

One day I’ll have mustache’s on my chest and brush my teeth with Pennzoil and barbwire. One day.

           OH! Before I begin! did you know that it’s not safe to keep a wolverine as a pet when you have more than 3 children duct taped to a wall? My parents always used to say whoever escaped the fastest got to eat dinner that night. I never lost. I don’t have many childhood friends left. They all had awful excuses for not wanting to spend the night at my house like, “I have homework” or “I’ll be stapling my eyelids to a waffle instead” or my personal favorite “I actually have a deep seated fear of badgers and wolverines”. I digress.

          The really important matter that I want to share and care with whomever reads this is my affinity for something that has grown up with me and helped nurture me into the “caring”, “loving”, “antidisestablishment-gary ” person I am today.

              I don’t know what any of those words mean, but I hope they impress you enough to:

a.) Date me if you’re a superbly attractive member of the female gender


 b.) call me for bro time and hunting gators with for members of the overly-manly gender. I digress.

             I apologize for my lack of focus, it’s a real problem of mine. Oh and focus and poke us rhyme with bogus, and mochas and Dandy Lion polkas! For seriously, I swear I’m sorry.

                The important matter is the mythology and uber-importance that is the cultural phenomenom: Mortal Kombat. The very first game in the long arc of games was first released on October 8th, 1992 by Midway games. The success of this would spawn one decent movie that is fun to watch, and another that is unpalpable and would be described by famous director Ed Wood as a total abomination to his eyes.  I should also mention that the release date of the first game preceded my illustrious birth, no sorry, my vicious entrance into the W.W.E. arena that is life by a month and 17 days.

“Gary, what doth this mean?! Art thou destined to be an M.K. champion like the first champion named Liu Kang?” Asks everyone everywhere.

                 Only one answer can suffice this preposterously fathomable question, or as they say in Spanish, “preguntar” or something like that (I took four years of Spanish in high school, ladies).

                Heaven yeah, I believe this is one of the 99 problems that I have that Lord Jay-z blessed me with having on the day of my birth. When I was but the ripe young age of 3 I wandered over to my neighbors house down the street and bore witness to the wonder that is the Super Nintendo gaming system. my neighbors were playing this wonderful game where people were ripping out hearts and freezing people. I was hooked onMortal Kombatbefore my massive addiction to phonics. Still haven’t kicked either habit. It was a love affair that would continue through each iteration of playing.

             Me and Mortal Kombat have been wonderous and symbiotic friends since the first time I grasped that controller and pressed A and B until victory was firmly clasped between my sweaty, cheeto stained fingers. For those unfamiliar with the mythology ofMortal Kombator the characters I feel deeply sorry for. You were probably learning about things that don’t matter like science, or math, or how to not creep out girls when you talk to them. The point of the game is to defeat your opponent and then satisfyingly annihilate him/her and then beat the boss. The jist of the story is the player is defending Earth from being conquered. That’s the Cliffnotes version of it.

I kissed a girl once, just in case anyone was wondering. We played Mortal Kombat right after.

            Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase “Get over here” yelled or spoken before in life. That phrase entered the American lexicon due to the character of Scorpion screaming it before he harpoons his opponent and pulling him over to him! This works terribly as a pick up line because I yell it loudly like he does. Whenever it does work, a friend of mine yells “flawless victory“. Teamwork is a beautiful thing, not that Kobe Bryant would know, AMIRITE!?

              Anyways, you are probably dumber for reading all of this. But if you are ever bored, come on down to Juan Jay hall in Westerlin and play me in a rousing competition of Mortal Kombat. I will be courteous and gentlemanly. Then I will proceed to be competitive. Scout’s honor.

Stay away from sharp objects in your candy bars.



2 Responses to “I watched a Life Alert advertisement and it has nothing to do with this”

  1. Quite simply the greatest thing I have ever read. Lord Raiden would be proud of this.

  2. I always left the duct tape partially torn for you so you could break away easier ! Gosh do you think I was always so mean as to totally tape you with o possible way of finding sustenance ?

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